Monday, April 11, 2016

De Tour of Uchtdorf

Please read the following in the accent of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, and imagine that he is taking you on a tour of a fantastic, beautiful library bordering the ocean, with a vibrant green carpet of moss. Imagine the warmth of sunlight streaming through the skylights and leaves, and ancient tomes and volumes sitting in orderly rows upon living shelves hewn into the sides enormous trees. Consider this story as a very large extended metaphor, or perhaps and analogous story full of rich parallels, or perhaps even a profound parable of epic proportions. Otherwise, you may consider it just another peculiar fantasy from your beloved (maybe), yet strange (certainly) friend, even Elder Benge:

My dear brethren and sisteren. Welcome to the State Library of Wa-Tac. Today, we will be taking you on a tour of our Belfair wing of the library. Before we begin, please note that we consider and prefer everything in here to be recyclable, biodegradable, completely sustainable, or inconsequentially disposable. When I say everything, I mean everything. That includes cars in the parking lot, trash receptacles, your shoes, the building, the foundation, the computers, and unfortunately, your children, spouse, and family relationships.
Now, on with the tour. Over here on the left, we have our religious section. Now, as you can see, it is rather empty. In fact, the large majority of the books you do see on the shelves are themselves just hollow casings with no pages. They are simply facades we have planted because our number of actual religious texts is lacking in both quantity and, in some places, quality as well.
We have Mormon Books, JW books, generic Christian pamphlets, a scarce few Catholic pamphlets, and some other thin books and pamphlets. We also have a few very outdated texts on Judaism.
If you are looking for a light, easy read that requires not much concentration or effort on your part, I would suggest anything but the Book of Mormon, er... that is to say... the book about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Although, henceforth we shall refer to them as "Mormons"). If you are looking for a life changing book, I would suggest the Book about Mormons, but I warn you that it actually will require some effort on your part. It is, however, the only book that brings a sense of lasting fulfillment. (It is, compared to the others, the unabridged version of Les Miserables, while the others are like abridged versions of books in the Magic Treehouse series, at least in level of depth)
Over in this corner, we have some books about atheism. However, there is some skepticism about who wrote the books, and where they came from. As we have never met the authors ourselves, our reasoning leads us to believe that the books were created from a fortunate coincidence when one of our librarians accidentally dropped a box of paper and an ink cartridge. Either that, or they are the results of a very long process of evolution beginning with a pool of primordial soup that was struck by lightning. In either case, we have reason to believe that the books weren't actually written by anyone, but rather the result of some preposterous accident.
Now, we shall continue on. Over here we have our most popular books:
How to Take Care of More Than A Dozen Mean-Spirited Dogs by Fir E. Monsterson
Why You Should Have Multiple Dogs Instead of Any Children by Harry Houndini
Bipolar Sky Gods Amongst Us by Rayne R. Shynne
Oops. That should be in the religious section.
The Seattle Seahawks by Noom Bar XII
Oops. That should be in the religious section, too.
 Anyway, as you can see, we have a lovely library, and we invite you to visit as often as you'd like. And that concludes our tour, so farewell to you all.

Anyway, I just really wanted to write that. I suppose it was rather satirizing, but it is pretty true. Another comment. I suppose it tells a lot about a city when you see more recreational marijuana stores than churches as you drive down the street.
In all honesty, though, I love it here. Last week was fantastic. We had our family of five come to church, and they are scheduled for baptism this Saturday! I am excited. Thank you for your prayers, and please keep praying! Prayer is so powerful! Have a wonderful week.

Elder Benge

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